“I believe the children are our future.”
“I also believe that when you travel into the past, you won’t alter the future, only create an alternate timeline.”
Geek Dad War Journal
-The Breakfast Table
Children possess an uncanny ability to learn, sponging up facts, ideas, and behaviors 24/7. Like the Borg. But they sing and make you Valentines.
Geek Dad groks this, and leverages every little miracle like this he can get… in his never-ending mission.
His prime directive: Keep the first grader safe and healthy in mind, body and spirit. Nurture, protect and lead by example. Inspire her to choose what’s right in an often-wrong world. Prepare her for a life of learning.
And make it to the bus on time.
La Principessa: I hate Chinese homework. Vampires don’t have to do Chinese homework.
Geek Dad War Journal: Wampires did their Chinese homevork in the Old Country, my Baby Grrrrl… ahhh, the Children of the Night, vhat music they make.
La Principessa: Don’t do Dracula. Dracula freaks me out, actually.
Geek Dad War Journal: Eat your pancakes and finish one page, please.
La P: I love you, Big Daddy. You’re the best daddy in the world. Hug!
GDWJ: Wǒ yě ài nǐ. Bàba ài wawa. <I love you, too. Daddy loves baby.> Now, no stalling, please, honey. You still have to brush your hair, face and teeth. And please don’t say hate. That’s such a lazy word, and you’re not a lazy person, okay, babe?
La P: You said brush my face!
GDWJ: Just checking to see if you’re listening. Okay, okay, ten minutes till the bus, we’ll finish that page this afternoon before swimming. Eat.
La P: Is a lazy word a bad word? I know lots of bad words, actually. Daddy, David on the bus said a bad word. David said “sexy.”
Geek Dad War Journal Action Note: Consult child peer population database; ensure David knows that you work at home, keep your guns clean and have mapped the entire bus route.
GDWJ: Okay, and why did you think that was a bad word?
La P: Um, well, y’know, Lisa said her mommy said it’s a bad word, actually, in England, where a long time ago people used to, um, y’know, speak English.
GDWJ: Well, what do you think sexy means?
She dances in her chair.
La P: It means you are on stage and a lady, a lady, a sexy lay-deeee.
What would Sun Tzu do?
GDWJ: I’m not sure that’s really what that word means. Let’s look it up after swimming tonight.
When you’ve forgotten all about this…
GDWJ: Till then, let’s not use that word at school, okay? Or in front of Mama. Or anybody’s mama.
La P: Lisa likes Justin Beaver, but I think he’s the worst. I think he sings like a girl, um, well, y’know.
GDWJ: Mmm… you’re smart to keep an open mind.
La P: Remember in Tiny Titans, Beast Boy liked Terra and hearts came out of his mind, heart heart heart heart?
GDWJ: That was a great story. Hey, want to read that to me tonight?
La P: And Beast Boy changed into a puppy, poof. But puppies aren’t green, actually.
GDWJ: Speaking of poof, are you done with your pancakes?
La P: Bàba, my pancakes are cold. Warm them up.
GDWJ: What’s the magic word?
La P: Shazam!
GDWJ: Okay, another magic word.
La P: Azarath Metrion Zinthos!
GDWJ: Try again…
La P: Engage!
GDWJ: I’ll accept English, Mandarin or Espanol.
La P: Not Bizarro?
GDWJ: Come on, you know it…
La P: Fine. Warm them up, por favor?
GDWJ: Fine. I’m warming them up. But tonight, we finish that page before swimming. Because you know who likes it when you do your Chinese homework? Tinkerbell. And when you don’t do it, her light flickers out.
La P: You made that up! Tinkerbell’s not real, you know.
La P: They’re too hot! Actually, I’m joking. I’m done. Time to wash my face and brush my teeth! Hug!
GDWJ: Ugh! Did you just use me as a napkin?
La P: Wawa ai Bàba.
“He who knows when he can fight and when he cannot will be victorious.”
– The Art of War, Sun Tzu (600 BC)
David Quinn is Diane’s husband, Olivia’s dad and an independent producer of branded content.
Geek Dad War Journal is a work of fiction. Ish.